Birth class Graduates (barely)

Tonight Denny and I graduated from birth class!  

(Pomp and Circumstance is playing in the background) 

It’s a feat that’s not exactly worthy of a bullet point on our resumes, but nonetheless an experience that seemed very blog post worthy.

Despite many moments that we felt were worthy of the phrase, “That’s what she said,” we did learn some helpful info.  I also have some feedback about the 9 hours we spent learning about our daughter’s entry into the world.   Here are my thoughts about it all…

  • Breathing exercises…  Really??   We are practicing breathing?  It is the only single activity I have consistently remembered to do every day of my life, so I’m not sure that I should be spending more time practicing it before I’m about to be responsible for a new life.  I’m going to be a role model for a child in a few weeks, right?  So maybe the time should be spent on other important exercises, perhaps Making your bed on a daily basis exercises, or How to make more time for healthy cooking and less time for Dance Mom watching exercises.
  • The birthing video (yikes)… If the hospital feels the need to make us watch a “real” couple have a baby, can we please get relatable characters?  Christina. the Mom in the video, might be cute for the maternity Victorias Secret magazine but her perfect blond hair (which didn’t even get sweaty while delivering), her belly button ring and her barely-there bump made me more annoyed than inspired.  If we are going to get real with the video, let’s get real with the characters… I’d like to see swollen feet, stretch marks, and a frumpy hospital gown… then maybe I’ll be able to relate.  And sorry Christina, but the sports bra and teeny tiny tennis skirt (minus the spanks) you wore during labor should be saved for the Wimbledon after-party NOT the birthing suite.
  • And finally must we spend so much time discussing The Birth Plan??  Birth plan, smirth plan… Isn’t asking the first-time mom to create a birth plan kind of like asking the 5-year old on his first flight to Disney to write a flight plan?   Don’t get me wrong, I love, love, LOVE making plans and creating agendas, but won’t our future daughter be the Director for this action scene?  The only non-negotiable item on my plan is the epidural.  My birthing slogan: No drugs, No baby.  There may not be an “I” in team but there is an “I” in epidural.  (Perhaps I’ll make pink t-shirts with that slogan for my family to wear in the waiting room).

So there you have it, my interpretation of birth class in a nut shell. 

It was slightly scary, yes…  

It was entertaining, indeed (although I’m not sure it was supposed to be)…  

And it was Informational, almost too much!  

But perhaps next time, we’ll just buy the cliffnotes.


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